It is done.
No more yelling
no more pleading
no more why and if and whos to blame.
For so very long I stood
firm upon this ground of my own lies.
For so very long I truly believed.
Bought into the 'want to be'
and the declarations of 'I am'.
But it was all a ruse.
I am a pretender.
I am a fake.
This mask you all see...
smiling. happy. carefree...
that mask has fallen.
Broken in so many fragments
that there is no hope for repair.
This is all I am now,
I gave my heart to you.
I gave up my misgivings.
But I was a bad girl.
I was a thief, a twisted parody.
I took, took, took... all these material things.
All that you gave me. All of you.
I accepted these trinkets like love.
I believed that you all believed.
I loved in the hope that you would love in return.
I held no conditions, praying all the while acceptance.
This is all that I am now...
And I would rail against the words that cut so deeply.
I would shout to the highest mountain of my love for you.
I would sit alone, questioning my very existence.
I would fight to hold onto what I had with you.
All of you.
Each one of you.
And I believed the words of those around me.
And I believed that within me was some good.
I trusted and cried and pleaded and professed
But this is all that I am now...
So you, the last one. The final test.
You whispered sweet words, found my cold heart.
I believed. I so wanted to believe.
You cried ' Trust! Trust in me! I will hold you dear."
But in the end all I can hear is
'you just were never good enough... '
From all of you, these same sentiments.
never good enough.
But still I believed that maybe, if I was just enough,
just enough, but never quite enough.
And this is all that I am now...
Does anyone out there have a clue
just how bad things can get?
When a person tries and tries to make something
of a life that they have previously pissed away.
I sit here and second guess
each and every move, thought, word.
Does anyone out there feel so critical of themselves
and whatever it is that they love to do,
for fear of others not thinking that they are good enough?
And then that one person, that loved person, that trusted one
hits you - not with fists but words.
The cruelest that can be said - meant to cut you down.
Manipulate you into letting all you hold dear go...
To say to me that
No one wants what I offer.
No one hears anything I say.
And when this life has passed...
that will be the end.
No more me. No more wasting time with stupid persuits
No more chances to get it right.
Nothing to show I ever was.
I am a ghost to you, a tool for your own happiness.
Demanding respect when none is shown.
Speaking over me but never listening
because it might contradict your unerring way.
I can work and work at something
so diligently, so faithfully.
But, to you, there is no talent there.
Only time-wasting and frivolous dreams.
YOU have your life. You have your success.
Cant you see that I need to have the same.
No. I am only here to make your life easier
because you give so many THINGS.
And I ungratefully accept them,
and let you walk away...
to do you're own thing. To enjoy you're own time.
I'm only a lowly one. A maid. A whore. A babysitter.
NO one wants anything, NO one would pay
a single cent for what you once called talent.
Thats what your words meant.
I don't care how you MEANT to say them.
I would rather have been punched in the face
than to finally hear your truth after so many years
of telling me that I am good at something.
That I am 'phenomenal' at something...
but then to say 'No one wants your shit...'
out of anger? because my attention
was away from you for a few moments?
Do I really deserve that?
And then I remember those three words that you often repeat.
Not "I love you..."
but "I don't care..."